Wha gwan fancy faces? Hope you're all enjoying the end of summer and living your best lives in this bitch (aka getting hype for carnival after Rihanna did a worldwide snatching of every wig available).
Two weeks ago I announced on my Snapchat that I would be partaking in an experiment -a weight loss experiment. I was gonna swallow my scrutiny and actually give one of those weight loss teas a go to see if the shit actually worked. If it did then I would have the pleasure of recommending it to you so you could get your skinny bitch on too, and if it didn’t I WOULD RUN MY FUCKING MOUTH LIKE I ALWAYS DO!
Weight loss tea is a hype that we’ve seen all over Instagram via sponsored #BodyGoals celebrity endorsements –and you should always trust the words of someone paid to promote something –from Fit Tea to Flat Tummy Tea. I didn’t go for either of those because I don’t really trust the words of an already skinny person telling me that they got skinny from the tea they are paid to tell me they got skinny from, when what they really have is high metabolism/surgery money/top flight personal trainer money. Nope, my intelligent ass trusts what I can see with my own eyes, and what my eyes saw was one of my girls lose a fuck load of weight (she went from a size 16-18 to a size 12 in just over a year) and attribute some of her success (she goes to the gym five days a week...she is goals) to some shit call BooTea.
My friend advised me that this shit was on the pricey side and that it was best to buy it when Holland and Barretts were doing a special deal on it. So that’s what the fuck I did one day whilst wandering around Southside on my lunch break. There it was in the window of Holland and Barretts, with a big sign ‘SPECIAL OFFER’, and you lot know I love me a sale…not that I’d really call this shit a sale but I’d just got paid so I was feeling expensive. The offer was two boxes of the 14 day BooTea teatox for £40 (an individual box is a whole £24.99) or two boxes of the 28 day teatox for £50 (an individual box is £36). Fam...it's fucking TEA! I was inclined to buy the two 28 day boxes for just £10 more, but my cynicism pulled up on me like, ‘Bitch, what if this shit don’t work? You better buy them 14 day boxes for £40, 'cause if the shit don’t work after two mudda foggin' weeks it ain't gonna work after a mudda foggin' month!’ I agreed with my cynicism. Worst case scenario was that if it didn’t work then I would simply take the other box back and reclaim my coins like Maxine Waters reclaimed her time.
That was the hardest £40 I’ve ever spent (and I’ve bought hella dumb shit just because it had glitter on it, so that’s saying something), but I was excited. Imagine, all I’d have to do is drink this tea for two weeks and voila, svelte heaux-dom would be mine for the taking. I had one apprehension... My friend warned me that this detox teatox would ‘flush my system out’ and that I could expect some ‘runny shit’ (her eloquent words lol). What’s a little diarrhoea when you can lose weight just by drinking tea? Plus, it’s sold in Holland and Barretts, they’re all about this healthy natural life, so whatever was in this tea could only be made of goodness, right?
I got home that evening and snapped my latest purchase for my Snap fam (hold tite you lot dohhhhh) along with the ingredients so we could bask in the naturalness together.
Daytime Tea: Chinese Oolong tea, maté leaves, ginger root, fennel seeds, lemongrass, dandelion leaf, ginseng root, Gotu Kola leaves, nettle leaves…and a little caffeine. -I was impressed. I’d heard of Oolong before and how it was basically and upgrade of Green Tea that would boost your metabolism. I was Gucci with everything after that.
Bedtime Tea: Senna leaves, peppermint leaves, fenugreek seeds, liquorice root, burdock root, hawthorn leaves, valerian root and psyllium seeds. –Senna low key was trying to trigger my cynicism because that shit is well-known for its laxative effect and all I could think was, ‘What if I drink the bedtime tea, then bae comes over and I shit myself while were fucking?’ It’s a valid question, bitch. Stop looking at me like that.
The following day I began my experiment. I measured and weighed myself then made my first brew. In case you are wondering, it tastes fine. You get 14 daytime tea bags to drink one every morning, and 7 bedtime tea bags to drink every other night. I guess Senna induced diarrhoea for two weeks straight would be a bit intense.
I didn’t poop at all the next day. I was so anxious about getting diarrhoea that every time I tried to go my butt closed up like that Arthur fist meme (...this is also why I can’t try booty sex).
After talking myself down and making sure I was very hydrated the next time I took it…let’s just skip that part lol.
I continued with it for two weeks and tracked my progress. I lost:
- 1.5 inches on my bust
- 0.7 in on my waist
- 0.8 inches on my tummy
- 2.9 inches on my hips
- 1 inch on my ass (…thanks for that -_-)
- 0.2 inches on my thighs and upper arms
My weight more or less stayed the fucking same.
Yes, there was a little weight loss but it was nothing significant and was most likely just water weight. Do I recommend Bootea? No the fuck I don’t. I can lose water weight without shitting out my guts, thanks. Honestly, I had A LOT MORE success doing the water challenge for one week than I had drinking ‘Shit Tea’ for two…and that cost a whole fucking lot less too (it was FREE) because I’m not too bougie to drink le aqua la governmente.
In conclusion, don’t buy into the hype. I will be getting my refund on that second box that was included in the deal, tomorrow. A balanced diet and regular exercise still reigns; go figure…I spent £40 for no reason.
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Until next time, fancy face
Love Scotty x